Churchill Dog: One of Britain's 27million C-List celebrities,
and Europe's most successful toy dog.
Yes, it’s true! And an official fact! Scientists have confirmed that, thanks to BBC and ITV reality show scheduling, within six months there will be more celebrities in the UK than non-celebrities. Jeanette Cockywobbles from Stoke is predicted to be the 27millionth person in the UK to be a celebrity, following in the golden footsteps of Jeremy from Airport and the dog from Churchill Insurance.
The saturation point of celebrification will be reached in January 2006, when it will be officially confirmed that in not being a celebrity, you have in fact achieved a form of celebrity. This is not just bad news for celebrities considered to be flagging in terms of popularity who will become simply ‘one of the crowd’ at hugely over-subscribed C-List parties (such as the lads from Last of the Summer Wine Living/Dead). It is bad news for all of us.
The inevitable future for the UK is a population made up of thick bisexuals given to exhausting temper tantrums; indeed, they will frequently fail to be able to shut their fucking mouths at all.
We have outlined some dangers for the future of our country below.
Sperm donors, ovary takers
Fertility clinics will be hit hardest by the upsurge in demand for celebrity zygotes. The best example is, of course, that of the case of Jade Goody’s ovaries. They were worth $2,000 (US) in 2001. However, thanks to the influx of celebrities onto the UK scene prompting the subsequent, and indeed inevitable saturation of the celebrity-fertility market, anyone wanting the reproductive genetic monstrosities of the fat pig need nowadays pay only $1.50. Harrowing.
The Publishing industry: hoisted by its own greed?
The sheer volume of celebrities will play havoc with the scheduling of bollocks women’s shows. Chat shows such as that hosted by big-eared chef Nigella will have to have their sets expanded to cope with celebrity guest numbers that will reach the high thousands.
The phenomenon will also affect celebrity wankfests such as Nuts and Zoo, which, in an attempt to keep up with the volume of birds featured in dirty thought magnets (Soap Operas), will have to become weighty tomes which reach the giddy heights of over one million pages per issue. FHM, the biggest wankfest of them all, will have to revise its ‘Top 100 Women’ so that it concentrates on physical attractiveness, rather than mere television appearance time. Eastenders cast member Michelle Ryan is particularly perturbed by this development.
Coupled with this will be the effect on old man’s doorstop Who’s Who, which will become merely an extended telephone directory with extraneous biographical information.
What will happen to wildlife?
Naturally, the celebrity explosion is also threatening the animal kingdom. For example whereas, previously, only particularly charismatic bears such as Yogi or Huggy were famous, now lesser bears such as frigid Chinese Panda Bears and the Chicago Bears (American Rugby) will be able to demand primetime television shows and ‘golden handcuffs’ deals.
The effects on Africa (Geldofland)
Yet again, it is Africa which suffers. In Africa, children only have lowly ambitions to become child soldiers or novelty gift salesmen at large European tourist attractions. The best an African child celebrity can hope for is a small spot as an extra on an Oxfam advert. What’s more,
those crafty Oxfam lawyers deny any of these actors access to royalties earned from the adverts. Swine.
This child will never fulfil his ambition
of sitting in a house being filmed
for an indeterminate amount of time.
Africa is lucky. There, children are often killed at an early age before they can develop confused personalities or enormous breasts. We just have to hope that something of a similarly lucky nature happens to the UK, and we are saved from the likes of Jordan, Jodie Marsh, Max Clifford, Bubble, Science, Physics, Peter Crouch, etc… However, let us not forget there is still something very attractive about super-stardom, as outlined by these top celebs below:
Several interviews with current confident celebrities:
I love being a celebrity. It lets me shout a lot. People often say to me “Vernon, you twat, shouting isn’t a talent.’ I say back to them ‘LOOK AT MY RATINGS. I MUST BE TALENTED. I MEAN, MY VIEWERS CAN’T ALL BE MORONS, CAN THEY?’
Vernon Kay: A Complete Twat
I am tired of being a celebrity. Magazines say I am JUST A PAIR OF TITS. That is why I am doing a new reality show which will follow my life - which is anything but shallow and superficial. In it, I will be going to premieres, visiting my celebrity friends, and trying to toss off music producers. I hope this series shows I am more than JUST A PAIR OF TITS, and that there is indeed a reason why I am famous.
Paris Hilton: Literally, a whore
Being a celebrity is great. I get to go out to clubs and meet loads of people and I get to be on telly which everyone knows is great. Sometimes I thank the Lord (the controller of channel 4 television) for my success, as I missed the original audition for ‘Big Brother’ and it was only through His kindness that they let me try again. Imagine if they hadn’t done that. Imagine.