This Is The News

Inspired by enthusiastic man Max Williams, I thought I would make a blog. I don't really know what one is, so I have decided to put on various news stories that I have written, basically a lazy rip off of the Onion, Day Today etc.... They are probably not very good. Or funny. But they're a start.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Science: Hens, Chickens, Robert Winston, Hair

“Hens are definitely bigger than chickens.” This is the astonishing claim Professor Winston made yesterday whilst revealing his new haircut.
Archdeacon Winston, who is not actually a vet, was speaking at the unveiling of his left to right side parting. “This discovery will change the whole world of farming as we know it.”
King Winston dismissed critics who claimed that hens are simply female chickens: “These people need to go back to the 1990’s. This is political correctness gone mad.”
In total, Pope Winston measured five chickens and five hens, and found they were all different sizes, but that the biggest was a hen.
“I was completely shocked when I discovered this, but I was even more appalled when I realised what would happen to the farming community as we know it.
I even contemplated burying the discovery. But then I didn’t.”
In the meantime, Overlord Winston has been offered a twenty programme series in order to discover why people say ‘cultured left foot’, but don’t say ‘cultured right foot’.

Entertainment: Death by Cluedo

“It’s fun for us and it’s fun for the inmates.” What is Sheriff Dwayne T. Lockbar III talking about? America’s newest form of capital punishment, of course.
The idea is simple. Take several death row convicts, dress them up as the different characters from Cluedo, and then have one of them murder the man due to be executed.
“I thought of the idea whilst I was playing Cluedo with my two nephews,” says ideas man Tamworth Haymaker.
“It occurred to me that although Cluedo is fun in its original format, it would be much more fun to have real people killing each other. Obviously it just snowballed from there.”
Cluedo: A fun way of murdering prisoners
Haymaker approached the Texas government, who were searching for an inventive way of trimming down its prison population, with his idea.
“They were extremely enthusiastic about it. They provided me with the weapons, an old Hollywood set, and the necessary 7 mentally handicapped prisoners. It was a real success.”
In the initial televised trial, car hijacker and petty thief Grandioze De La Shante, playing Dr. Black, was bludgeoned to death in the bathroom by lead pipe wielding serial paedophile Tony Amasoni (Colonel Mustard).
“The cunning twist,” Haymaker continues, “was to have the prison guards interview each suspect in order to find the killer. There is everything a viewer could want, from disreputable eyewitnesses to forensic DNA testing.”
Everything is filmed in front of a live studio audience, who, after several disastrous early episodes, are now safely enclosed behind bullet proof glass.
“We did have some problems at the start with some prisoners running amok. I remember it was a particular mistake to entrust psychopathic mass murder Terrell Hopscotch with a large dagger.
I remember that incident in particular because he was running at me with this machete and I thought to myself ‘Maybe this was a mistake.’”
Overall, however, the show has been a huge hit, pulling in enormous ratings all over America.
“People were particularly interested to see that you really can kill someone with a candlestick. It is very hard though."
The idea could soon be coming to Britain. The Daily Mail has proposed an English version, hosted by Angela Lansbury, featuring a minor change, with energetic Asylum Seekers (possibly Kurds) taking on the roles currently played by the inmates.

Murder She Wrote: A light-hearted look at murder

Society: Geldof and Bono are at it again!

Swimming Pool: If you need a caption to explain this, then you need to start asking yourself some questions
Having cured Africa of poverty and famine, Bono and Bob Geldof held a press conference yesterday to announce their new scheme: to provide every African child with their own swimming pool (15 meters) by 2008.
Bono (who spent the whole interview wearing sunglasses!) said, “I’ve got 12 swimming pools, so I don’t see why these poor kids shouldn’t have at least one each.”
Bono's sunglasses make him appear mysterious

Sanctimonious tit Bob Geldof continues: “The pools will also end drought, because when these kids get thirsty, all they’ll have to do is drink the pool water.
I do it all the time, and it hasn’t affected me,” said the slightly green looking Geldof.
“The only problem is deciding which colour of wristband to use. I was thinking of purple, the colour of my brain.”
Firing on all cylinders Tony Blair is said to be 110% behind the idea.

Geldof: Cretin.

Entertainment: Celebrity Marriage of the Year: Paris Shilton!



Awful magazines Ok! and ¡Hello! were in a state of catatonic ecstasy last night at news of the shock marriage of celebrity parasite Paris Hilton to all-time England record caps holder Peter Shilton.
The whirlwind romance was consummated in a big, well-furnished but strangely lacking in atmosphere room in one of Paris’s father’s hotels.
“I really love Peter. Unless I make it big in Hollywood, I will definitely stay with him forever.”
Incredibly, however, the relationship didn’t always run smoothly. Why? You ask. Because, I answer, when Paris met Peter, she was already in love with Ray Clemence.

Ray and Peter both tussled for Paris' love
“At first, I couldn’t decide between them, so I would alternate them for dates.
They were both such complete dreamboats. And they both had very large cocks.”
Paris, though, began to become infatuated with Shilton, finding his long arms and massive gambling debts irresistible.
“I know we will be really happy. I’ve always wanted to marry a man who looks like a silverback gorilla,” revealed a clearly delighted Mrs. Shilton.

Beneath that shirt beats the heart of a human superman

Friday, November 25, 2005

Nature: Man Versus Beast


Man versus Beast: Cerebral Challenge (No. 1)

Previous battles between man and beast have been based on physical differences, neglecting the very interesting mental differences between the human world and the animal kingdom. The following investigations, over the course of a year, will hope to redress that balance.


Lassie looking relaxed before the challenge ahead.

INVESTIGATING WHITE COLLAR THEFT: LASSIE vs ALVIN HALL

THE COMPETITION: Lassie came into this challenge with an enormous reputation as a formidable troubleshooter. This reputation, when placed against the rather more limp version of the BBC 2 money correspondent Alvin Hall, meant that Lassie was immediately classed by the bookmakers as a strong favourite.
In this challenge, Lassie and Alvin were charged with investigating a major fraud case, and they were both given six months to present a case, ready to go to trial. It was expected that with her years of experience in finding small children in old abandoned wells or up particularly large trees, Lassie would easily defeat American homosexual Hall.

If there's one thing Alvin Hall knows, it's money. And that he's gay.


THE RESULT: Lassie was a huge disappointment, and she failed to present a convincing case. The paper trail was largely untouched, as Lassie often preferred to merely stare at the computer screen. Indeed, her afternoon reveries were only broken by occasional barks, which many in the office found obtrusive and unwarranted. This problem was further exacerbated by Lassie’s apparently unrepentant attitude, which one colleague described as ‘haughty’.

WINNER: American homosexual Alvin Hall. Lassie’s case was a hotch-potch of confused ideas and baffling rhetoric, juxtaposed with a lack of intellectual rigidity.


An inconsolable Lassie after the result. Critics blamed a poor attitude and tendency to woof.

Science: Natural Disasters



Is it just The Daily Mail, or does the world really feel like it is on the brink of disaster? This is a question that plagues many of us, yet remarkably only Ray Mears has any idea of what to do if the Earth were to be inflicted by any one of the top disasters. We didn’t speak to Ray, but rest assured we have the compiled the most comprehensive guide in dealing with the best five natural disasters.



Ray Mears: The only hope for humanity's survival?

1. Asteroids
Asteroids get a good press thanks to their complete annihilation of the dinosaurs. However, it does seem unlikely that this would happen again, and even if an asteroid were to come close, you can relax and lie back, assured in the knowledge that the USA will soon have big huge lasers in space with which they can dispatch anything they deem to be unsuitable for the planet Earth.
Asteroids: Not as dangerous as they look.


2. Earthquakes

Many people claim that the best way to stay safe during an earthquake is to stand underneath a doorframe or, if you prefer, sit under a table. But, since the advent of IKEA furniture and self-assembly, this is no longer true.
In fact, it is now not even considered safe to sit under a table during non-earthquake hours for fear of loose bolts and falling allen keys.
Indeed, it would be better if, upon sensing impending tremors, that you took your family on a long drive into the countryside, perhaps stopping for a picnic in a mossy glen or near a babbling brook.
If you do decide to return to the destruction zone, remember to take a large cricket bat to ward off pesky looters and tramps.
Ikea Furniture: As dangerous as it looks.


3. Alien Invasion
Not all aliens are as friendly as Alf or E.T.; many can be rude and surly. For example, Mr. Spock often failed to ‘muck in’ with the lads aboard U.S.S. Enterprise, and would resort to making belittling sarcastic remarks about, amongst other things, Uhura’s weight and Scotty’s predilection for underage girls. He was also remarkably racist.
Unfortunately, there is little we can do at the moment to repel an alien attack, and we would just have to hope that, like Mork, they were simply looking for cheap, shared accommodation w/ gd loc + mod cons.
Mr Spock: Moody cunt.


4. Volcanic Eruption

Places built on volcanoes, such as Hawaii, suffer from volcanic eruptions all the time. Therefore, whilst planning for this disaster, try to avoid building your home on top of one. In fact, to completely avoid being caught in a volcanic eruption, try not going near one at all.
Volcanoes: Anybody living on the green hill deserves everything they get.



5. Global Warming

Although this is, at heart, a man made problem, there are many consequences for the natural world. Thanks to the rapid destruction of the rainforest, Britain will soon be completely deprived of wood based furniture, such as old oak desks and large umbrella stands whittled from ash.
Also, Britain is overheating; you might think to yourself “Great news, I love the sun, don’t I?” But remember, so do huge killer earwigs and enormous bumble bees. And, unless you are a real man like your dad, you will have real trouble ridding your house of these insects.
The only solution would be to genetically build spiders as big as telephone boxes, but no-one wants this. Ironically, this problem heralds a great future for glass jar makers and newspaper publishing houses, who will have to build gigantic versions of their products which can then be used to catch the enormous creepy-crawlies.
Giant Green Insects: Not everyone's idea of fun.

News: Celebrity Numbers Reach Halfway Point of British Population

Churchill Dog: One of Britain's 27million C-List celebrities,
and Europe's most successful toy dog.


Yes, it’s true! And an official fact! Scientists have confirmed that, thanks to BBC and ITV reality show scheduling, within six months there will be more celebrities in the UK than non-celebrities. Jeanette Cockywobbles from Stoke is predicted to be the 27millionth person in the UK to be a celebrity, following in the golden footsteps of Jeremy from Airport and the dog from Churchill Insurance.
The saturation point of celebrification will be reached in January 2006, when it will be officially confirmed that in not being a celebrity, you have in fact achieved a form of celebrity. This is not just bad news for celebrities considered to be flagging in terms of popularity who will become simply ‘one of the crowd’ at hugely over-subscribed C-List parties (such as the lads from Last of the Summer Wine Living/Dead). It is bad news for all of us.
The inevitable future for the UK is a population made up of thick bisexuals given to exhausting temper tantrums; indeed, they will frequently fail to be able to shut their fucking mouths at all.
We have outlined some dangers for the future of our country below.

Sperm donors, ovary takers

Fertility clinics will be hit hardest by the upsurge in demand for celebrity zygotes. The best example is, of course, that of the case of Jade Goody’s ovaries. They were worth $2,000 (US) in 2001. However, thanks to the influx of celebrities onto the UK scene prompting the subsequent, and indeed inevitable saturation of the celebrity-fertility market, anyone wanting the reproductive genetic monstrosities of the fat pig need nowadays pay only $1.50. Harrowing.

The Publishing industry: hoisted by its own greed?

The sheer volume of celebrities will play havoc with the scheduling of bollocks women’s shows. Chat shows such as that hosted by big-eared chef Nigella will have to have their sets expanded to cope with celebrity guest numbers that will reach the high thousands.
The phenomenon will also affect celebrity wankfests such as Nuts and Zoo, which, in an attempt to keep up with the volume of birds featured in dirty thought magnets (Soap Operas), will have to become weighty tomes which reach the giddy heights of over one million pages per issue. FHM, the biggest wankfest of them all, will have to revise its ‘Top 100 Women’ so that it concentrates on physical attractiveness, rather than mere television appearance time. Eastenders cast member Michelle Ryan is particularly perturbed by this development.
Coupled with this will be the effect on old man’s doorstop Who’s Who, which will become merely an extended telephone directory with extraneous biographical information.




What will happen to wildlife?

Naturally, the celebrity explosion is also threatening the animal kingdom. For example whereas, previously, only particularly charismatic bears such as Yogi or Huggy were famous, now lesser bears such as frigid Chinese Panda Bears and the Chicago Bears (American Rugby) will be able to demand primetime television shows and ‘golden handcuffs’ deals.

The effects on Africa (Geldofland)

Yet again, it is Africa which suffers. In Africa, children only have lowly ambitions to become child soldiers or novelty gift salesmen at large European tourist attractions. The best an African child celebrity can hope for is a small spot as an extra on an Oxfam advert. What’s more, those crafty Oxfam lawyers deny any of these actors access to royalties earned from the adverts. Swine.
This child will never fulfil his ambition
of sitting in a house being filmed
for an indeterminate amount of time.

Conclusions
Africa is lucky. There, children are often killed at an early age before they can develop confused personalities or enormous breasts. We just have to hope that something of a similarly lucky nature happens to the UK, and we are saved from the likes of Jordan, Jodie Marsh, Max Clifford, Bubble, Science, Physics, Peter Crouch, etc… However, let us not forget there is still something very attractive about super-stardom, as outlined by these top celebs below:

Several interviews with current confident celebrities:

VERNON KAY
I love being a celebrity. It lets me shout a lot. People often say to me “Vernon, you twat, shouting isn’t a talent.’ I say back to them ‘LOOK AT MY RATINGS. I MUST BE TALENTED. I MEAN, MY VIEWERS CAN’T ALL BE MORONS, CAN THEY?’



Vernon Kay: A Complete Twat

PARIS HILTON

I am tired of being a celebrity. Magazines say I am JUST A PAIR OF TITS. That is why I am doing a new reality show which will follow my life - which is anything but shallow and superficial. In it, I will be going to premieres, visiting my celebrity friends, and trying to toss off music producers. I hope this series shows I am more than JUST A PAIR OF TITS, and that there is indeed a reason why I am famous.
Paris Hilton: Literally, a whore

BRIAN DOWLING

Being a celebrity is great. I get to go out to clubs and meet loads of people and I get to be on telly which everyone knows is great. Sometimes I thank the Lord (the controller of channel 4 television) for my success, as I missed the original audition for ‘Big Brother’ and it was only through His kindness that they let me try again. Imagine if they hadn’t done that. Imagine.